开怀篇 (9) - 正面思想

话说经理正在火大地批评其中一位经常慢半拍的下属，大声咆哮：
“为什么你老是慢人家几拍？思考速度应该可以再加快！”


下属慢条斯理地道：“老大，其实慢人家几拍，好过原地踏步。”
经理没好气地再批评：“原地踏步？这叫做举三反一！”

下属还是从容不逼道：“老大，您有所不知，举三反一还好过完全不举。”

开怀篇 (9) - 多啦A梦的女友？

午饭后，查了邮件懒散地站起来伸伸腰子，才发觉被同事问。
“猜猜看，这是谁？” 同事努努嘴地向那玩具看去。
“我知道！”
“那你知道她的名字吗？”　我不干示弱地反问。
“。。。”　 同事不好意思的摇头，然后很快的作出反攻，“多啦A梦的女友啦”
“什么？” 还以为自己的耳粪太多，听错。
“不是多啦A梦的女友吗？”　
“此话当真？”　我忍住笑地把问题问得严肃一点。
“应该是女友吧。”　
“不会吧？咱们的年代应该不会有鸿沟，理应你应该知道滕子不二雄笔下的多啦A梦。” 我吃吃地笑着问。然后，再来最后一着将军她　（好像玩象棋似的），“是否知道其芳名？”
“不知道”　同事也吃吃地笑着不认输再问：“不是多啦A梦的女友吗？”
我即刻笑到飙眼泪，然后上气不接下气的回答：“胡说！乱伦咩？是多啦A梦的妹妹啦！”
其他的同事笑到东歪西倒。
果然，一场大开怀地笑，饭后的瞌睡虫立刻消失到无影无踪，还厉害过咖啡的效应。感谢啦! :-)

开怀篇 (8) - 歪打正着 - Multiple shot accidentally

老王是个高头大马的老师。他有一个怪现象，一紧张就即刻口吃。

月尾，老王和几位老师被选为监考员，大礼堂里排了整整十行。老王监考其中几行。
当他正准备打捆时，看到其中后面的学生作弊。
他气急败坏地手指指，口吃地喊：
“你你你。。。你。。。你。。。你在。。。在作弊！”
急忙地吞了口水，清了嗓子，不再口吃，食指指向后排的那位学生。
“作弊的，给我站起来！”
后排的那位学生站了起来，谁知另外两行的六位学生也一起站得老直。

Senior Wang is tall guy, works as teacher. He has a bad habit. Whenever he is anxious, he speaks with stutter.

During month end, senior Wang and a few teachers are selected as invigilator. Inside the big hall, there are 10 long rows arranged. Senior Wang is responsible for several rows. When he feels sleepy and bored, he suddenly saw one of the student from back start cheating.He is furious and points his index finger to that student, speaks with stutter,

"You you you... you... you... you're... are cheating!"

Without hesitation, clear his throat, speak without stutter anymore. Index finger still points to last row of that specific student.

"Stand up! You cheating fellow!"

That last row of specific student stands up. Then the other two rows of six students also stand up straight simultaneously.

开怀篇 (7) - 笑的后果

 

有一天.. 甲和乙坐飛機要去玩..

結果飛機失事 兩人跳傘.結果掉到有大批食人族的小島上

猶長說:[你們兩個去找100個同樣的水果來,我就饒你們一命!!
...
他們兩個就去找了...

甲先帶了100個草莓回來

猶長說:[把他們全部塞到屁眼裡就饒你一命]

甲就開始塞...

塞到98個的時候沒有事

可是塞到99個時候他"笑"了(哈哈哈) 結果草莓通通噴出來了...

他就被殺掉了 到了天堂

天使問他說:[你差一個就免死,為什麼笑了呢?]

甲說:[因為我看見乙帶了100個榴槤回來]

开怀篇 (6) - 火烧阿房宫

督学到一所高中视察，来了解该校的学生素质如何。走廊里碰到一位学生来问：“阿房宫是谁烧的？” 学生即刻紧张地说：“不是我烧的！”

听到这种答案，督学顿时觉得实在太糟糕了，便问校长：“校长，我刚刚问这个学生，阿房宫是谁烧的，他竟然回答不是他烧的，你们是怎么教的？”

校长更紧张地说：“我们向来都确实教导学生要诚实！　他如果说不是他烧的，就一定不是他烧的，这一点我敢向您保证！”

督学听了十分气愤，回到教育厅后提出报告，要求惩罚该校的校长办学不力！没想到厅长看了以后狠批：“烧了就烧了嘛，不用太在意，本厅拨款协助重建！”

<后注>资料来自百度
从后来的考古发掘中得到证实，项羽火烧的是秦咸阳宫，秦咸阳宫遗址曾发现大片的红烧土遗迹。秦阿房宫考古队副领队孙福喜说：阿房宫之所以没有被烧的解释是，阿房宫14平方公里内有六十余处夯土基址，一些地方建成了，一些地方尚未建成，包括这个前殿是否建成也属存疑之事。

开怀篇 (5) - 射我的门 (Shoot my goal post)

夫妻俩看世界杯，妻子兴奋不己，抱着老公撒娇
“老公，今晚你也要射我的门哦？”
丈夫一把推开妻子说：“你懂个屁，射自家的门算输，射别人的门才算赢！”

A pair of husband and wife watch World Cup, wife is extremely high, hug her hubby to show tenderness.

"Tonight, you must shoot my goal post, ok?"
Hubby pushed her away. "What do you know about the goal post?"
Shooting own goal post is considered lose, shoot other goal post only is considered win!" hubby gets impatiently.

开怀篇 (4) - 陆陆续续

看一篇名人访问，谈起儿子在学校被老师打，起因是造句。

名人感性地说，有事请好好说嘛，干吗要打呢？
名人带着孩子去了学校一趟，拜访老师来了解儿子为什么被打。
老师拿起簿子给名人看，名人看完即刻把身旁的孩子也扁了一顿。

造句是陆陆续续

孩子的造句是 - 下班了，我的爸爸陆陆续续地回家。

开怀篇 (3) - 放屁 (Fart)

有個小姐去找醫生:

"醫生我會一直放屁,但也還好啦,我沒有很困擾.

因為人家我的屁都不會臭,也不會響.
...
其實,進來以後,我已經放了最少20個了,

您都沒感覺 就是因為人家的屁都不會臭,也不會響"

醫生說:

"我知道了,把這些藥拿回家吃,下禮拜再來一次"

下禮拜小姐來看醫生

"醫生 你到底給我什麼?! 我的屁還是靜靜的放個不停,

但是臭到爆!!"

醫生說:

"很好!你的鼻塞已經治好了,現在要治你的重聽."

A lady visits doctor and mumbles
"Doc, I have been farting nonstop, but still ok, I don't feel any problem at all
because my "gas" won't be smelly and loud in releasing."

"Actually, after I come in to your clinic, I fart at least 20 times,
I dont' see you feel anything, thus I assume no smell and not making loud sound.

"Alright, I see. Take this medicine and see you next week."

Another week, the lady come back to complain.
"Doc! What did you give me last week?
My fart release silently non-stop... the problem - it is damn SMELLY!!!"

Doc explained seriously: "Terrific good! Your nose block already cured. Now I'm going to cure your
hard-of-hearing"

开怀篇 (2) - 永遠無法解釋 (Unexplainable)

一個美麗的上午，天空晴朗無比，可是一個農夫醉醺醺地坐在門口，失魂落魄地。
一個過路人好奇地上前問道：老鄉，今天天氣這麼好，你怎麼不去享受，反而在這裡喝悶酒啊。

農夫回答：哎，一些事情，你永遠無法解釋。
過路人：發生什麼不幸了？
農夫：今天我在擠牛奶，剛好擠了一捅，牛用左腳把捅踢翻
過路人：是挺倒霉的，但是還不至於啊。
農夫：哎，一些事情，你永遠無法解釋。
過路人：那接著呢？
農夫：我用繩子把她左腿綁在了柱子上接著擠，結果剛好一桶接滿，她又用右腿把桶踢翻了。

過路人哈哈大笑又問到：然後呢？
農夫：哎，一些事情，你永遠無法解釋。我把她右腿也綁到柱子上了，結果剛好接滿一桶，她又用尾巴把桶掃倒了。

過路人：是夠倒霉的。算了，不要難過了。
農夫：哎，一些事情，你永遠...無法解釋。
過路人：還有什麼？！

農夫：這回我沒繩子了，就計劃用皮帶把她尾巴綁到柱子上。我把皮帶抽出來，把她尾巴抓起來。這時，我的褲子掉了，正巧我老婆進來了!

One fine beautiful morning day, a farmer gets very drunk and sits at home entrance.
A passer-by-fellow ask curiously - "Today is a beautiful day, why drink alone instead of enjoying your day?"

"There's something, you never ever able to explain clearly," said farmer.
"What happened?"

"This early morning, I milked from cow, when the time I milked a full pail, that cow use left leg to kick
the pail upside down," farmer sadly explained.
"That was unfortunate but this, I think, not worth for you to feel sad like this," passer-by said with sympathy

"There's something, you never ever able to explain clearly," said farmer with sigh.
"Then what happened next"
"I use rope to tight up its left leg and continue to milk, coincidentally, another pail started to full,
it used right leg to kick the full pail of milk upside down," Farmer explained.

Passer-by laughed and asked, "Then?"
"sigh... There's something, you never ever able to explain clearly," the farmer tighten up its right leg,
another good timing, the pail started to have full of milk, the cow used its tail to slap the pail upside down again.

"Damn unfortunate! There's all, don't feel too sad," passer-by suggested.
Farmer sigh again, "There's something, you never... ever... explain clearly."

"What's happened again?" Passer-by raised voice with surprise.
Farmer explained slowly - "This time, I don't have any rope, thus plan to use my belt to tight up the cow's tail.
When I took out the belt, at this very moment, trouser dropped and my wife just came in!

开怀篇 (1) - 姓氏

Hulk's tree?!!, originally uploaded by Hong CN.

读了一篇《歪曲三国》小段相声... 改少许成白话...

老子问：你知道孔明的老母姓氏？
老豆答：不知。
老子道：孔明的老母姓 - 吉氏。
老豆：。。。

老子问：你知道周瑜的老母姓氏？
老豆答：不知。
老子道：周瑜的老母姓 - 何氏。
老豆道：何以见得？

老子道：老豆，您没听说过周瑜斗不过孔明时， 向着苍天大声叹气 - 既生瑜，何生亮！
老豆丧气地道：果然如此！

不久，
老豆驳问：那你又知道不知道张飞的老母姓氏？
老子答：不知。
老豆一本正经道：胡氏。
老子问：何以见得？
老豆道：真笨! 无事生非嘛！~